Monday, September 28, 2009

walled



allegra drinking and people walking talking
buying candy ice cream waffles and the public bus
screeches to a halt behind the biker with no helmet be careful
kid they'll turn your body to

cream with two cubes of white sugar and where's the spoon i need my
spoon the pigeons watching they're watching who are they
watching
me?
fighting fighting over the pickings of crumbs from the breakfast
crowd the crumbs on the sidewalk the
lone
liness
loneliness consuming out go out the security
people security of people drink coffee
two gulps and walk around walking around walking around in
circles
ring around the rosy
a pocket full of posies
ashes ashes
loneliness under my skin
allegra it says allegra i'm here
allegra
              she pulls pulls hair so blond so fine so straight like
wisps of corn silk
she pulls to punish the sinner
nobody sees knows she hides
it beneath those pretty hats
she wears
allegra so happy they say even her name is happy
so shallow hollow they don't see inside allegra
beautiful beautiful oh so beautiful with
turquoise eyes like the waters off the coast of zanzibar
haunted blue eyes but the
scar
and allegra cracking from the inside out

when the ghosts come out to feast i hide behind my wall
allegra hide and don't come out but trista asks allegra out to
play come play
let's play ring around the rosy
trista says it trista the twin sister they thought was dead in the womb
trista the twin that never should've seen the light of day
twin they thought was dead
came into life without a cry without a scream
our miracle baby girl they said about her forgetting you were there
our miracle girl doesn't cry but oh look so sad look at her face
so sad trista is her name they said and named you allegra
you smiled when your twin was born they named you allegra
twins but opposites they said but you were the same
eyes nose mouth hair everything the same but the scar cut wound
they said was an accident when you were little girls playing with scissors though
mommy had said not to allegra and trista played doctors but trista was the doctor doing
surgery on your mouth with the scissors that
slid open going in and slid shut coming out closing on the side of your mouth so
your cheek was open like a piece of torn fabric and the blood was falling like victoria falls
trista screaming saying mommy mommy told me to do it but mommy looked scared and
took you to the er and they stitched you up and said don't worry pretty little girl everything's
gonna be all right but mommy got you home and said come here bad girl
bad girls get punished and slapped you across the cheek still smarting with pain and the
blood came again and mommy doused it with vinegar saying it was the lord's punishment that you
bleed
for being a bad little girl now go in the closet and ask the lord's
forgiveness
mommy says don't tell lies or mommy will just have to burn your
cute little mouth with matches
that little mouth you can't wait to wrap around a cock
mommy says don't go pee pee in your panties or mommy will just have to burn your
plump little thighs with matches
those little thighs you can't wait to wrap around a man
you dirty little sinner
aren't you a little whore

trista always nice not because she wanted but because she was your sis' and knew
mommy's bad little secret

twin sis' little sis' they thought was dead and the
other kids always told trista what's wrong with your sister
and trista's face going red saying just a little accident
trista happy but allegra oh so sad and you ask yourself did she mean it
after all these twenty years did she mean it
with your eyes like the waters of zanzibar and
your mouth like frankenstein's bride

trista
got all the friends
all the boys played spin the bottle without fear of
do i really have to kiss her
do i really have to kiss that ugly mouth
and you go behind your wall but tears tears tears
tear down the wall allegra tear down
i'm never coming back i'm not
but the wall is there when allegra comes home
voices
talking i'll be talking and they'll tell me to
stop
and i'll forget what i was saying and what i wanted to say and why she wanted to say it she'll be in
another room with the glass wall and she'll see her body her head
floating
in the air and the voices saying
                                                    save the talk for yourself allegra
and my head will be blurry like a scrambled egg like an out of focus
photo that needs focus because the details
details i need details too many of me to count
none in the same place doing the same thing allegra1 not here not here behind the
wall
of brick and mortar allegra2 behind the glass looking at the other side i don't want to be there
walled
walled
i don't want allegra3 walking walking away and looking back
change of
heart i want to be walled allegra4 a drink a lay a man a woman what difference
does it make the world of
flesh
is mine allegra5 on the mountaintop over the top looking out over the space
wide open sharp crags mighty boulders
allegra you're dizzy
so dizzy not good for you
don't like heights
can't feel my arms legs fingers toes head so badly bleeding from the
pulling the hair sores burns cuts
nausea
not in her stomach
sweating trembling fever like i've just run over a kid and run away
heart
beating so wildly my pulse is in her temples
her mine

but smile allegra when you
smile
people see a happy you allegra they say is happy
even to her name but you say my mommy and daddy must have
cursed
me must have challenged the
lord
with that name
allegra
oh so sad and
trista
oh so happy
her mommy and daddy didn't curse her didn't challenge the lord

agitation cutting like barbed wire messing with
moments that fade to
gray
brain freeze
can't remember feelings
there but not part of allegra1 sitting behind her wall
that wall
walled in with brick and mortar
allegra2 what if i tore it down and never looked back what if what if allegra3 walking
to an open space and nervous nervous
oh so nervous but not
nervous enough to
stop
allegra4 with a man pretending to listen to every word she says but who will take
me home and beat me until i'm black and blue allegra5 on the cliff over the top trying
oh so hard trying
to keep her balance but the tide
oh so inviting
and the way back to the wall
don't know what's the way back i just don't know allegra2
saying maybe maybe i'll try to
find my way back but allegra4 says you'll never find a man like him he's all you need
everything you need
allegra saying mommy mommy

why

and mommy saying i'll give you to the count of...

one two three four five six seven
all good children go to heaven

33 comments:

  1. This is extraordinary. How long have you been working on this? Each word is so carefully placed.

    Jai

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  2. Difficult to read at first but when I got into it..It's soo good..

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  3. JAI - I actually started streaming this when I got home from work yesterday afternoon. I just got it all out there, saved it, and then gave myself a much needed break. Three hours later, I went back to it, brushed up a few things, rearranged a few things to a more sensible order, and then told myself it was ready to go.

    To be quite honest, I had my hesitations about publishing this. But I'm working on getting over my inhibitions, so I just clicked "publish" and there it was! I'm very pleased you liked it... "extraordinary" - I'm more than pleased; I'm floored!

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  4. TURQUOISE DIARIES - Streamed writing can be a bit of a challenge to read. I wrote it, and still, it's quite daunting. But I'm happy you were able to get into it, and that you enjoyed it!

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  5. Funny how some of our best work can just come out like that in a few hours, isn't it? I know just want you mean. You must have slept well after all that intensity!

    Jai

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  6. JAI - Are you kidding me? I slept like a rock. And the best part was that there were no dreams that I could remember when I woke up this morning, and for once, I totally loved that!

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  7. Nevine, now that just completely tore me to shreads.

    Your writing is so powerful and reading this physically hurt.

    You are an amazing writer.

    Renee xoxo

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  8. Starting like a mesmerizing stream of consciousness, this piece then descended into a harsh pain and tortured past. How Trista sabotaged her to steal the limelight. I feel like she's on the edge of true dissociative identity disorder. But not quite there.

    Very well done.

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  9. RENEE - And your comment tore ME to shreds; I wouldn't want for you to be physically hurting. Thank you for your sweet words.

    JASON - Trista was mommy's little instrument, in my mind. In some ways, she was a victim, herself. Allegra on the edge? A compelling possibility. Where does the edge end and the full dimension of Allegra's suffering begin? Something for me to think about. Thank you so much for your comment.

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  10. I'm the president of your fan club. Nevine, you have strummed chords in me that heretofore have gone untouched. Thank you for allowing allegra out. Your work is tremendous. I cannot wait to visit your site daily. Thank you for being the brilliant, tortured, tender you that you are. It is torture, isn't it? To have all these stories in your head? I know. But how cathartic to bleed them out through your fingertips. Thank you again for the gift of genius you allow us to share!
    Much Love,
    Deborah

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  11. DEBORAH - Fan club? I'm touched and extremely flattered. But more importantly, I'm just over the moon when I know that there are readers who take my work seriously and appreciate it. Thank you for coming by, reading my mind talk, and enjoying it enough to post such a sweet and thoughtful comment!

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  12. "While the ghosts come out to feast"
    I'm into this beat - love your blog....Roan.

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  13. You interpreted correctly. I was swept away. Speechless.

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  14. That is a masterpiece you wrote. I like it a lot, and I'm very impressed!

    I'm following you now.

    Secretia

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  15. This absolutely amazing. I'd love to see it published with little drawings, dark little fairy tale drawings...glad you posted it!

    much love!

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  16. DARK WINGS - And I'm into your beat, Roan. Thank you for joining my blog!

    SUZANNE - Thank you for putting my heart at rest. I tend to build castles in Spain, but what writer doesn't? Thanks again!

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  17. SECRETIA - A masterpiece? Wow! But I won't let it go to my head. I'll just allow myself to savor this feeling of delight for a few minutes, and then I've got to get my wits back together. Thanks so much for your enthusiasm, and for joining my dreamworld! Oh, and that was very precious of you to go back and read some of my older writings and post comments there, too. You can't imagine how much I appreciate that!

    STACEY - Dark fairy tale drawings... yes, I can picture that. I think that would give it a bit of an ephemeral edge, actually. And I do love fairy art, so I'm with you on that 100%. Thanks for popping in, and I'm so glad you liked it, Stacey!

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  18. Just wanted to say Again, how good this is!.
    And thanks for following Secret Story Time.

    I think you'll enjoy it.

    Secretia

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  19. They say that an abuse child is the best actor in the world, and yes, I know why. I still have thirty personalities, but these days I only allow three of them to emerge ---

    This was heartbreaking, but for us who traveled down this dark road, we who have been there, we understand.

    Thank you for visiting me, I am glad to have followed you back here -- reading this, I don't feel so alone in my darkness.

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  20. This was amazing. The description delightful in its eeriness. outstanding post.

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  21. As I read I kept having flashes of my childhood and adolescence filing past. The lower case helps the reader put him/herself in the narrator's place. It is tender and cruel at the same time as if affection did not have an element of ferocity, too.

    Many thanks.

    Greetings from London.

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  22. oh the confusion, the not belonging, the baggage we carry, not always placed there by us... you've captured it well, great writing.

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  23. I'm overwhelmed by this one... very powerful.

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  24. AMIAS - Reality can be extremely heartbreaking. And dark. And most of the time we're too afraid to look it in the eye. Although I was not an abused child, I have known many who were, and I have been touched by what they have endured, and how they have managed to cope with it. Thank you so much for reading my work, and for joining my blog.

    JM - I'm glad you could find a bit of enjoyment somewhere inside the eeriness. It's all about how we perceive, isn't it?

    CUBAN IN LONDON - I can always count on the lower case to bring out its claws and capture the reader. There's something uncanny about its ability to pull you in. Thank you for reading and commenting on my work.

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  25. SHADOW - And don't we all carry some kind of baggage? Most of it not placed there by us? It's unfortunate, but turns us into who we are. Thank you, Shadow, for reading and for joining.

    BARD - Overwhelmed is just what I was going for... and who wouldn't be? Thanks for joining my dreamworld!

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  26. This is brilliant. So so good! I'm grateful Suzanne linked to this.

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  27. Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate your reading and commenting.

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  28. And I am very, very flattered, Organic Meatbag! Thank you!

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  29. (Commenting on Walled from last September)

    I see what you meant, this is indeed hard...

    One wants to send hugs for the hard times in life, and smiles of compassion. You have lifted up rocks to look in some of life's dark corners... and come back to tell us about them with such unbelievable clarity of vision that we can't help but feel it and tremble.

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Your thoughts are deeply appreciated.