Thursday, November 4, 2010

of secrets... and scars

Woman's Back by Maya Kulenovic

my love… my love
i’ve something to confess
something to show
turn on the light
though you can feel it with your fingers
turn on the light… and look
here is my back
lovely… soft… silky
like polished marble
warm… smooth… flowing
like liquid gold
yet… come closer, my love
and you will see
a cut that i can no longer reach
sculpted… thin… sharp
can you see it, my love?
the blood inside it dried long ago
but you can still feel it
you can feel it with your touch, my love
touch your finger gently to it
touch your finger to… my scar
a cut in the flesh of my back
no… not where you are looking
look lower… my love
and you will see it
gentle… obscure… but present
you see it… i know you do
an electric shock has fired beneath your skin
a tension… a confusion
a throbbing in your blood
why are you silent, my love?
there is a sorrow inside your eyes
a fiery sorrow
while a chill
and blue
radiance
fill
this november sky
your stabbing eyes
yes… stabbing, now
carry a weapon i have not seen before
a weapon that cuts more deeply
cuts… the surface of my skin… to my veins
cuts… the surface of my Self… to my soul
and my instinct, my love
my instinct is to turn away from you
to distance my Self
as you have distanced yours
what is this i see in your eyes, my love?
what is this look of… alienation?
angst?
illusion?
an illusion more illusory than fantasy
and this absence of certainty
i don’t know…
a secret, perhaps?
one i should not decipher
one you will not confess
but, look… look, my love
i know you don’t want to
but, look
you have been expecting… and denying
at the very same time
look… and listen
i could have fabricated one million lies
but i am filled with truth, my love
my truth might have one million colors
but it is mine, my love
i do not disown it
does this not matter?
does it not absolve?
oh, no… my love
do not open the door
i will open it for you
for… should you open it yourself
you would slay me
you see... with your love
i felt as though i was remaking the universe
but, then
even the omnipotent are imperfect
and i
i have revealed my imperfection
to you
but, no
do not turn off the light before you go
truth is more acute in the darkness
come, my love
here is my back
my back that once surrendered to your hands
...
do not say that, my love
do not say that my back has surrendered
to illicit hands
for full surrender was to your hands
and to your hands alone
bring those hands, then, my love
you have seen… but not touched… my scar
it is too late to try and heal it
it is too futile to try and erase it
but maybe… with your hands… you can caress it
and bless it
with forgiveness… and absolution
i have danced with fire
and my body was licked by tongues of flame
but… my body… is still whole, my love
and here… i am showing you my scar
does this not matter?
does it not absolve?
i beseech you, my love
come to me
and lay with me
we will but speak, my love
my lips do know how to speak 
without caressing
and, though i have a scar
my back is still
lovely… soft… silky
like polished marble
warm… smooth… flowing
like liquid gold
can you not forgive one scar, my love?
it was a miscarried intention
a superficial incision
your cuts go wider
your scars go deeper
no
not the scars your hands implanted upon my skin
but the scars another has implanted upon yours
yes, i have seen them
but… please do forgive my tears
they are miscarried intentions, too
i do not mean to confuse
i do not mean to deceive
i am not crying
see?
here are my eyes
dry of tears
but
can you not forgive one imperfection, my love?
i have forgiven so many scars
but, no
do not open the door
i will open it for you
i am not crying
see?
here are my eyes
dry of tears
here are my lips
trembling with truth
here is the door
open for your denial
and here is my back
imperfect… my love
imperfect
but yours

30 comments:

  1. This is very profound. Everyone carries around scars, whether they be physical or emotional. And the time comes where we have found a lover who we wish to open ourselves up to completely and in order to do that we must finally show them our imperfections and see if they can still love us for who we are. As we love them.

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  2. Amazing as always.

    Overcoming or even admitting some of our scars is a huge barrier to trust, exposing yourself is terrifying.

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  3. oh, so many layers here, nevine - and each one spun with magic words powerful words and each one taking us into our own imperfections our own love - beautifully done, as usual - i've so missed visiting as i would like - it seems that my life remains confined to storage boxes left to be unpacked, things to be shuffled for the 100th time and other things left undone each day, combined with critically ill family members and then everyday things of my own! ;) but there does seem to be a glimmer at the end of the long journey/relocation tunnel and i so look forward to being able to "come and sit a while" just absorbing here! hope all is well with you and yours in your world! hugs - jenean

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  4. I was intranced by this one...I don't know how you are able to reach inside us with your words my friend....amazing.

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  5. Scars of the past which are sometimes difficult to unveil!
    Difficile de mettre son cœur à nu devant celui /celle qu'on aime!
    And "even the omnipotent are imperfect", and when you love someone you are expected to love his/her imperfections. And love can be imperfect too.
    Very profound poem qui pousse à la reflexion, ma belle!

    ***
    Lots of gros BISOUS****

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  6. ConTemplate – Thank you!

    Eva – And this is not only true with lovers… but with everyone else we might know. It’s sad that sometimes people can think they do not have scars of their own… or at least, that their scars do not show.

    Christopher – Terrifying, for sure! How can one know whether or not one will be forgiven? I think that is always the biggest fear.

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  7. Jenean – Thank you for the sweet words. And yes, I’ve moved so many times… so I know just how hectic the process can be. I hope you will soon feel at home. There is always that light… at the end of that tunnel. Hubby and I are both doing well… and life is beautiful! :-) Hugs back to you, Jenean.

    Steven – I reach… fearlessly… now. Thank you for the sweet words.

    Cremilde – Love is always imperfect… and so is life. But… perfect everything… imagine… what would that be like? It would be horrible… tepid… insipid. No. I prefer the imperfections in everything. After all, it is our imperfections that make us the unique people that we are. Gros gros gros bisous, mon amie! :-)

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  8. Oh, my... So beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. It's so hard to find really meaningful verse anymore. You never fail to make my day. :)

    ~Tara

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  9. Dear Nevine,
    I fear I shall indeed become delirious with deliriums when reading such blazing honesty.

    This subject, scars, is one that touches me deeply. I shall say no more here, but perhaps will say something somewhere else...

    I trust your celebration is continuing !
    :-)

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  10. Nevine, this was so raw and the same time sublime. The layers were beautifully expressed. The gushing of emotion, the pain of acceptance, the anticipation: This was just brilliant. Scars of the mind, though fade with time are rather strong and etched deep. One can forgive but forgetting . . .

    Joy always,
    Susan

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  11. ....the blood inside it dried long ago...
    I especially liked this line. The poem moved along with such lovely rhythm and emotion. Thank you for sharing. Blessings.

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  12. Awesome Nevine! We've all got them, some worse than others, that's for sure. It's when we hide them, that they give us the most problems...
    Honesty is always the best policy!

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  13. A powerful piece. Sometimes we can be scarred by adoration, too. A look, a whisper, a shared thought, they can all leave an indelible mark.

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  14. That scar hurts... I feel it and yes, there is some kind of electric shock as I touch it.

    We have to go along with lots of scars
    They put more and more scars on us -in so many ways-, and sometimes find it so difficult to forgive...themselves or us... And , it's true we go along injuring people, not because we desire it, but because of our parents and grandparents' scars, which also are deeply signed in our skins for life... to such an extent we can really harm others... and thus, even go to prison for that...(gender violence-I mean now)

    This is full of so many interpretations, my dearest!
    And the truth, the whole truth, tand only the truth is so difficult to undress!

    How you do it -I keep wondering- so that our minds run to so many deep thoughts.

    You shine Lady!
    Warm sweet hugs

    Dulce

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  15. What a a powerful and very profound piece, my dear Nevine! Your poem leaves my soul compressed and breathless!
    I adore it!

    A description of words take a century far too much to grasp at a loss for words...simply AMAZED!
    We often feel sadness over emotional pain/scars.
    And you describe an emotional pain and forgiveness as well so beautifully!!

    ...you'll never understand the reason until you look deep enough into the "cut" to see the emotional pain that put it there.

    Lots of love and warmest hugs, my wonderful friend!!

    B xx
    X

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  16. wow... scars... I know them well and sometimes they cut so deep I dont know if i can halt the bleeding. I do know they have to come to light or you truly never have an understanding...

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  17. Tara – So good to see you here! And thank you for the nice words. You’ve definitely made my ego bloom. :-)

    Owen – Thank you for the always heartfelt comments. I am sorry the subject of scars touches you deeply… but the truth is… we all have them… and they stay. Maybe there is comfort in that knowledge. And yes! The celebration does continue. I think my husband is more excited for me than I am, though. ;-)

    Susan – You are so honest and truthful about the forgiving and forgetting bit. Yes, we somehow find it in our hearts to forgive, but forgetting… well… those memories never seem to go away.

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  18. Crystal – Hello, and welcome! And thank you for sharing your favorite line. That is always interesting for me. Thank you for stopping in, and for tagging along for the ride. I hope you will enjoy it!

    Pat – Honesty… yes. As I get older, I find that honesty is definitely the way to go. It seems when we try to hide… or deny… we are the ones who end up with the festering pain. And hey… thanks for the “awesome!” What a boost!!!

    Martin – You are so right about that. Those marks… though etched by more pleasant stimuli… do stay, too.

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  19. Dulce – We do carry some of the guilt of our ancestors, don’t we? It’s quite heavy luggage, too. And the truth… and how difficult it is to undress… oh! It has so many layers, Dulce. It’s so difficult, yes. And so complicated. But somehow, it feels like such sweet relief when the truth is exposed. Thank you, Sweet. And warm hugs back!

    Betty – Yes, that’s what it’s all about… looking into the cut. Such a difficult and challenging thing to do! But it is only by looking… with our bare and naked eyes… that we can see… and know. Knowledge is just golden. Warmest hugs, my dearest!

    Sir Thomas – Coming to light! They do eventually stop bleeding… but yes… the scars remain… eternally!

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  20. Susan describes it really well.

    Pain of acceptance.

    It leaves so much to thought and to comtemplate over.

    Hugs,
    Silver

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  21. When you were crafting this, did you give any consideration to making this a dialogue? Somewhere in the narrative is an undercurrent that keeps nagging at me- how it would have sounded with two going back and forth. I love it the way it is, Nevine, but it really got me thinking of this and one more thing.

    Here's the other thing about your choice of the back for the scar and the follow up with "look lower" and the reference to illicit hands. Was the choice of the back to match the picture, or was the picture chosen after the choice of the back is what I'm really asking.

    And if you didn't see my earlier posting, congratulations on getting published! It's just the beginning for you and we're all rooting for your success.

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  22. There are bitter truths in life, aren't there? Things we don't want to admit but should. And it's only when we reveal our true selves - our REAL selves of imperfections and flaws - and still are accepted that we feel we belong. We can't love anyone without knowing their true self just as we don't feel loved without being known.

    But it's so hard to get to that stage of honesty. It's terrifying.

    Jai

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  23. Silver - Yes, Susan is ever understanding, isn't she? And thank you, dear friend.

    Rick - Thank you for the congrats, and I did see it, but I missed it the first time I checked my blog. I posted a response and thank you again, Rick. About the image... I NEVER write something up based on an image. The image always comes later... somewhat of an accessory... to add right before I publish the post. But interesting, too, that you should mention a dialogue, because I did think about that. It's just that, when I mulled it over, I thought about how, sometimes, when we have something difficult and challenging to explain, we want to be heard without interruption. We want a chance at somewhat of a monologue. Now, that rarely happens in real life because the listener always wants to give his/her two cents, too. But, I imagined how it would be if that person who wanted to make a confession of sorts could just have her moment and... well, confess. As always, Rick, your input is invaluable and opens doors for thought and discussion that I find intriguing and fascinating. So, thank you, if I haven't told you before, for your readership.

    Jai - Terrifying, indeed. How to reconcile oneself to accepting another with their imperfections when so very often we find it difficult to accept our own. But, yet, it is a liberating feeling to relieve oneself of the burden of secrets, sometimes. Liberating... though it might be damning. What to do, right?

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  24. oh my goodness, this was so beautiful. She was beseeching, pleading, fighting herself, making compromises on every front just for him to stay?
    Just one scar?
    come on, no one is Adonis. we all are imperfect, they are too... should the scars matter when the love is true?
    I doubt the truthfulness of her 'my love'.

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  25. Those scars are ones we rarely want to admit to. Especially when we pick away at the scab to make the scar deeper and more profound. Self-inflicted ones are invariably harsher.

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  26. Blasphemous Aesthete - I have come to enjoy reading your comments immensely. I was particularly intrigued by your "I doubt the truthfulness of her 'my love'." Yes, we are all imperfect, and she does have her imperfections, too. And the scars? No, perhaps they should not matter. But... it seems that to him they do. And yet... she is hopeful. Maybe, though, just to prove something to herself... or to him? Where does one person end and another begin in the quest for the perfect love?

    Mme. DeFarge - And we are ever picking away... obsessively... compulsively. Because we want the scars to disappear... but yes... they only go deeper... and they only glow brighter.

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  27. A little too large for my taste, but yes, obsessions drag on, don't they... love as always, dearest Nevine!

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  28. Dearest Adriana, how I love your honesty... one of those qualities I so appreciate about you. And of obsessions... they do drag... and mar. Hugs!

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  29. OMG Nevine! this one is marvelous..touched my every trembling cell! too profound..deep and yeah,got silent tears on my face too..you are extremely gifted with human emotions :)
    you are TOO GOOD nivo! i am speechless really! :)
    huge hug my beautiful one..
    kont fel 7ejj we lessa rag33a..:) missed your writings will catch up for sure :)

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